I can honestly say that I have only faked one orgasm in my life. At 18 years old I had a boyfriend a bit older than me, his exact age escapes me but perhaps 25 or 26. Certainly old enough to know where a clitoris is anyway. He lived in London and each weekend I would drive from the country into the city to visit him, to go out for drinks in impossibly grown up bars and to have really bad sex. This only lasted for a couple of months, luckily, and I ended up with some good stories and learnt a few life lessons.

He was not impressed that penis in vagina sex didn't make me come, and even with my low self esteem I wasn't quite at the stage of needing his approval so desperately that I faked an orgasm during shagging. My biggest mistake was telling him that I didn't come easily, I hoped that this would make him give up but it had the exact opposite effect. In truth I think I was more interested in going out with my friends than hanging out with this person that I had little to nothing in common with, but at the time having a boyfriend was more important to me than small details like that.

So he made it his mission to make me orgasm. The pressure on me to climax didn't help at all. This wasn't about my pleasure, but his ego and I was too young and insecure to tell him to stop. He informed me that he was good at making girls come. His technique was to rub my clit in a sort of polishing manner, the same way you might try to scour something burnt from the bottom of a pan. It was painful, it wasn't pleasant, and unsurprisingly I was dry as a desert and he didn't use any lube. The rubbing continued and became more and more uncomfortable. I was starting to worry that it might have lasting effects, but still, I wasn't comfortable enough to say stop.

Eventually I saw my way out. I faked it. He stopped. He was pleased with himself. I had a bladder infection for the next week.
 

Of course, as far as faking orgasms goes, I am not alone. A study in The Archives of Sexual Behaviour found that most women have faked it at least once. This particular study explores the relationship between faking orgasms and women's view about gender. 462 heterosexual women took part in the UK study which found that the more that a woman thinks that her orgasm is necessary for the man's gratification, the more likely she is to fake it.

We all know (hopefully) about the orgasm gap. While it's important that we close this gap, we also need to remember that orgasm doesn't have to be the marker of a successful or non successful encounter. Even now that I know my body so much better, sometimes orgasm will not happen for me. Stress, alcohol, inability to turn off my thoughts - these things can all affect me at times, and other women too. And then the cruel irony that focussing on trying to have an orgasm usually means that the chances of one disappear.

So there are plenty of reasons to fake orgasms, but also plenty of reasons not to. How can we expect our partners to please us if we are rewarding what feels awful? Yes, it's difficult with a new partner, yes, sometimes it's embarrassing but at the end of the day communicating your desires and having a real orgasm with your partner is what we all want. And the times where you just can't come? Focus on pleasure, focus on connection and you might end up being surprised at what you're capable of...

Stay safe. Have fun. Issy x